Just checking in!

Whats going on with my life I hear you ask?!

Well, not a lot to be honest. Literally. I'm just plodding along and dealing with what's going on in my life one day at a time. Though what's getting to me a lot recently are my struggles with mental health. As anyone who knows the struggles, big or small, depression/anxiety will come and go from time to time.

I've been really good, mentally, for a while now. I've not been majorly depressed or anxious for most of the time, but the past week and a bit I've been feeling very anxious for my future and my confidence seems to have fizzled out a bit. I have no idea what's causing this. I'm mostly thinking about how awkward I am and if people do indeed actually like me/enjoy talking to me, especially so now I've taken up cosplaying (the friends and people I've come to know through this hobby) and convention attending. And this is a bit concerning for me cause this is how I went down the depression and anxiety rabbit hole I was in a few years ago, and the thought of being in that place again makes me upset. It was such a shitty time in my life, but my life isn't really like that at all.

There are some coping strategies I could do to stop this; the first is to keep asking myself "why?".

The second is to take my mind off it and distract myself but I feel like this is just putting it off for it to fester some more. But the thing is, I'm not exactly financially stable to just throw myself into a new project to keep my mind off my doubts. I could just make more videos but, again, my life isn't that exciting and it's just hard to come up with ideas.

Oh yeah, I put up two videos on my YouTube channel! I did a vlog thing for the gig I went to in January (which I'm pretty happy with!) and then I did a cosplay talk/experience video (which gets super cringe at some parts, just a heads up) of the first year I've been cosplaying. Well I say cosplaying but I don't feel like compared to others it's that much for me to talk about.

Oh yeah, about comparing. I. KEEP. DOING. THIS.

The other day I was just chatting away to my mum about life and I mentioned how I look at my life compared to my twin sisters, all my sisters really, and I don't really have my shit together. She kinda told me off about that, by saying I shouldn't be doing that to myself because life isn't a competition. Maybe that's what's making me anxious?

Either way, I'm dealing with some mental shit and it'll probably go away. I need to stop comparing myself to others and thinking people don't like me. That last statement is a bit of a weird one.

I've seen with one of my friends, who I've come to known through conventions/cosplaying, and they have problems with two faced people on their social media. These problems are that their "friends/followers" pass on whatever they post on shitposting/trolling groups or to keep others who they haven't blocked or who dislike them, in the loop. Thankfully I don't have that kind of attention but at the same time I wonder why people still have me on their friends list if I don't talk to them much? To be nosey is probably the main reason.... I don't know! But the uncertainty makes me very anxious some times. Yes, I should remove those but some people post some really good stuff that makes my day.

Anyway I feel like I'm going on a lot.

TL;DR
I'm confused!